Overcoming Fear of Failure

Have you ever been so afraid of failing at something that you decided not to try it at all. Or has a fear of failure meant that subconsciously, you undermined your own efforts to avoid the possibility of a larger failure?  Have you not applied for a promotion, written that article for submission, volunteered to head a project or committee at work, let a teammate make the presentation about the work you have done – all because of a fear of failure.

What are some signs of Fear of Failure?

• A reluctance to try new things or get involved in challenging projects.
• Self-sabotage – for example, procrastination, excessive anxiety, or a failure to follow through with goals.
• Low self-esteem or self-confidence – Commonly using negative statements such as “I’ll never be good enough or get that promotion,” or “I’m not smart enough to get on that team”.
• Perfectionism – A willingness to try only those things that you’ll finish perfectly.

Failure – A Matter of Perspective

It’s almost impossible to go through life without experiencing some kind of failure. The wonderful thing about failure is that’s entirely up to us to decide how to look at it.  We can choose to see failure as “the end of the world” or “ proof of just how inadequate we are”. Or, we can look at failure as the incredible learning experience that it often is. This is not to say we won’t feel pain but remember what Grandma said. “Sleep on it, things will look better in the morning.”  They do.

Failure can also teach us things about ourselves that we would never have learned otherwise. Valuable insights come only after a failure. For instance, failure can help you discover how strong a person you are.  Years ago as a young trainer, I was set up to fail – the client made no arrangements for the training room or promotion that she promised.  I walked into this brand new building for a half day workshop and the projector in the ceiling had not been set up.  There went the PowerPoint.  Naturally I flubbed a lot and I got terrible reviews.

Sure there have been times when a client has requested another trainer after a long term relationship.  Why shouldn’t they want to try someone new?  Then there’s the client who just had it out for me – she never trusted me from the beginning, mourned for a previous trainer who was no longer available and did not get the buy-in that I asked she get from the CEO. I got fired and they stiffed me on my pay despite our letter of agreement.  I love this saying, “Remember it’s about them, it’s not about you.” Now you have to analyze what part if any you needed to correct.  But if your client was at fault completely, thank god you can move on to others who appreciate you.

Overcoming a Fear of Failure

It’s important to realize that in everything we do, there’s always a chance that we’ll fail. Facing that chance and embracing it, is not only courageous – it also gives us a fuller, more rewarding life. However, here are a few ways to reduce the fear of failure:

Analyze all potential outcomes – Many people experience fear of failure because they fear the unknown. Remove that fear by considering all of the potential outcomes of your decision.

Learn to think positively – Positive thinking is an incredibly powerful way to build self-confidence and neutralize self-sabotage.

Look at the worst-case scenario – In some cases, the worst case scenario may be genuinely disastrous and it may be perfectly rational to fear failure. In other cases, however, this worst case may actually not be that bad, and recognizing this can help.

Have a contingency plan – If you’re afraid of failing at something, having a “Plan B” in place can help you feel more confident about moving forward.

Start by setting small goals that will help build your confidence.  Taking one small step at a time will keep you moving forward and prevent you from getting overwhelmed with visions of your final goal.

Tough Conversations: Talking to Employees about Sensitive Subjects in the Workplace

Inappropriate attire, lateness, sexually offensive behavior, tattoos, warring employees, gossiping bosses whining employees who constantly interrupt people, and other poor work habits and performance concerns are a daily part of the working world.  These are those “gray areas” that are not easily managed by our Human Resource manuals such as documentable lateness or absenteeism. Yet they are also the behaviors that can eliminate productivity, team cohesion or a healthy, productive, safe work atmosphere. Yet how do we develop those crucial skills to have difficult conversations with our employees, peers or even bosses? The common answer is dual fold: we bury our heads in the sand and tell employees to ignore it and just keep working or we “dump it on Human Resources”.  How do we define sensitive subjects and what feelings these generate? How do we ask for behavior change in these “gray areas” when individuals are superb at diversionary tactics that are difficult to handle? We all realize that we need to “have a talk” with our people but how do you prepare to talk about their “bad attitude” when they don’t seem to care and they have been getting away with it for years?

Over the next couple of months, Bev will feature different scenarios illustrating these issues as well as strategies which demonstrate how to treat people with dignity and respect and focus not just on what to say but also on how to say it. We will look at breakthrough techniques for handling difficult conversations at work that managers can use to protect themselves and their organization and get the very best from their people.

Our Oblivious Colleagues:  The Kitchen Messer

No matter how many signs are posted around our office kitchen “We are Not Your Mother – Clean Up Your Mess” – we have colleagues who don’t get it. They are often well meaning and committed workers.  They just have a limited awareness of their impact on everyone else.  Social cues,  such as a pointed look as they dump their messy dishes in the office kitchen sink and walk away, go unheeded. It may seem as if the oblivious colleague doesn’t care about the needs or feelings of others.  (Or they could have come from a privileged household where they really didn’t clean up after themselves.) But this is the workplace – common areas such as break-rooms, kitchens, microwaves, and most of all refrigerators are workplace properties and common courtesy, etiquette, and communal respect for others is a requirement for these privileges.

Here is a more challenging situation in our diverse workplaces. There may be colleagues who love to eat food that have strong strange odors due to spices and as they heat their lunches up in the microwave, the offending smell wafts through the office for the rest of the afternoon.  It could get so bad if not addressed, people could actually be thinking of quitting their job.  So what strategy would you use?

This situation calls for a collaborating strategy in which you take responsibility for your own needs, you try to build a relationship that is respectful and be real about your needs. A collaborating strategy as defined by Thomas Kilmann means that the issue is important to both parties and you need to come up with a win-win solution that meets the needs of both parties.

We suggest you approach one person from the group who eats fish for lunch and let them know of your concerns.  You should have this discussion privately so that your co-worker or employee can save face over the issue. Acknowledge that everyone has likes and dislikes in food choices. You might say, “I know this isn’t intentional and you’re probably not aware of how this is affecting me – or I may be more sensitive to smells more than other people”.  Ask for help in solving this problem so everyone feels good about the outcome. There might be a response that “This is the way I cook and I bring my lunch every day to save money”.  You agree that you are not trying to pressure anyone from bringing their lunch to work.  Your conversation might suggest a few options; there might be another microwave in a more isolated area or there may be a way to turn on a ventilation fan or use an air freshener.  The employee may suggest that they purchase an insulated container so that the food can be kept warm and would not have to be heated up.

The lesson is to demonstrate respect for others’ differences and not make people feel like they’re under attack. Workplace solutions frequently come from the employees themselves if you invite them to join you in fixing the problem with respect, dignity and cooperation.

Surviving Dreaded Conversations: Talking to Employees About Sensitive Subjects

According to Vital Smart’s research, about 70% of employees are currently facing a difficult conversation at the workplace; 38% have put off holding a difficult conversation for at least a month and 25% have put it off for more than a year. The work environment is not always rosy and bright. The biggest difficulty we have as managers or human resource professionals are those “sensitive or tough conversations”.  These are the ones that are not clearly defined in our human resource manuals such as absenteeism, lateness, or substance abuse.  Typically it is a personal characteristic or behavior not in line with the office culture, making the personal stick out, a quirk, an oddity. If your co-workers are complaining about the smell that an Italian hard worker gives off, would that be a sensitive subject – would you know how to handle this? These can include inappropriate attire, personal hygiene, touching, behaviors, tattoos, warring employees, inappropriate language, gossiping bosses,  and all the other poor work habits and performance concerns that need to be addressed and behavior challenged. How do we ask for behavior change in those “gray areas” when individuals are superb at diversionary tactics that are difficult to handle? How do you prepare to talk about “bad attitude” when employees don’t seem to care and they have been getting away with it for years? Who do you think fears these crucial conversations more – the employee or manager?  

Why don’t we just keep our heads in the sand?  If we do, it will affect relationships with co-workers, supervisors, customers and/or subordinates. It will have an indirect effect on work performance as co-workers may spend time complaining or ostracizing this employee. This isolation will hamper both the productivity of the individual employee and the department as a whole.  So how do managers treat their people with dignity, focusing not just on what to say but also on how to say it? 

First, we have to look at our detours from getting to a solution.  We speculate “why someone is troublesome” which does nothing to change behavior and we are often wrong when speculating the intention of others. We label the person which is a good way to keep the person the way they are – we don’t see them as changeable. We jump to a solution before defining the problem in observable terms with the employee.   If what has been tried before hasn’t work, give up and try something new.  Plan a frank discussion with the employee ahead of time and think about what you will say, how the person might respond, how not to get trapped in diversionary tactics, and how you will respond back. 

Find a private place and in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental tone, maintain sincereity and good eye contact. Explain your positive intent i.e. that you want them to be successful in their work and to get along with others. Tell them there is an “issue” that is interfering with their potential for success in the company and describe just the facts of the issue.  Explain how it is affecting others. Ask them if they are aware of this issue and its impact and if they can think of ways to change their behavior and resolve the issue. If they do not come up with a solution, provide suggestions in question format – “Have you tried…? Be sure to consult your HR Department for advice on avoiding discriminatory statements or actions.  

If this is an issue you would like more help with, call WorkWonders to arrange a workshop on “Talking to Employees about Sensitive Subjects in the Workplace.”

 

July/August Recommended Reading

“The Complete Tim Waster” ~ Eric Saunders

“Get Time Wasters Out of your Inbox” ~ Lori Williams

“ Time Management: Get an Extra Day a Week” ~ Marion Hayn

Five Compulsive Time Wasters: Personality traits that cause us problems

There are certain type of personalities that are likely to cause problems in “self-management” of their time and are prime to be time wasters.  These are:

Type I. “Hurry Up”

• needs stimulation, excitement, attention, newness
• generally gets it negatively
• tends to get scattered, overly-committed, forgets things
• can’t say “no”

Type II. “Be Perfect”

• wastes time on trivia because of perfectionism
• procrastinates and avoids work because of fear of not meeting self-imposed high standards

Type III. “Try Hard”

• expects rewards for effort, no results
• works harder, not smarter

Type IV. “Be Strong”

• doesn’t rely on others for help
• can’t delegate
• may have a need to control

Type V. “Please Me”

• doesn’t want to hurt others or damage morale
• hates to give bad news; procrastinates
• uses extra time smoothing things over
• gives unclear messages; has to repeat and explain self

Why do some people manage their time more poorly than others.  Some obstacles include messages we have learned or seen modeled in our families, and our personality traits, habits or practical realities.  These include carrying too many burdens when we were small, placing too many demands on ourselves, not giving ourselves permission to let things go, or have unrealistic expectations of outcomes on us by others.

Let’s take an example. What do you think might be going on with your friend who is well known for always being late?  What are the
reactions of others?  What do they do – the infamous “We tell him to be at the movies ½ hour earlier than it really starts”. If you are really a friend, what benefit would he gain if he were able to be on time?  Do you think this might carry off to other aspects of his life?

Here are some words of advice to help cure this time waster.

Lateness

• Begin planning your day
• Set your watch early
• Focus on your leaving time, not the arrival time
• Estimate your time needs
• Start  on time
• Avoid the “one last thing” tendency
• Allow for the unexpected
• Ask for help
• Reward yourself when you are on time!

If you would like to learn more about your Time Style, you can order an assessment tool entitled “What’s my Time Style” from HRDQ at
800-633-4533 or www.HRDQ.com

Time Wasters Anonymous: How do I Retire from this Club?

Last month we started our focus on Time Management.  This is such a big topic and has so much relevancy to us in the workplace that we are going to focus on time wasters.

Considering the speed at which business moves these days, one thing is certain.  If you can’t manage your time effectively, you will have a hard time managing anything else. Yet most people waste precious minutes, hours even days with old habits that they don’t even realize they are doing.  They don’t realize that there are alternatives and strategies to the classic time wasters which are depleting their energy and impeding their productivity and efficiently.

The problem is time can’t be managed – despite time flying,  running out of time, or bemoaning there just isn’t enough time, you won’t get
anymore than 24 hours in a day. What time wasters don’t realize that it is  really “self-management”  that is the  goal.  There are many time wasters –  which are your favorites:

What Are Your Time Wasters?

Listed below are the most common time wasters.  Check the items that are time wasters for you.

• Telephone interruptions
• Drop-in visitors
• Meetings (scheduled and unscheduled)
• Unexpected crises
• Lack of priorities/objectives/daily planning
• Cluttered desk/personal disorganization
• Ineffective delegation of responsibilities and too much involvement in routines and detail
• Attempting too much at once and unrealistic time estimates
• Poor communication with others/unclear instructions
• Inadequate, inaccurate or delayed information
• Confused responsibility/authority
• Inability to say “no”
• Tasks left unfinished
• Lack of self-discipline
• Procrastination or indecision
• Mail (snail)
• E-mail or Voice mail

How do you feel about these items – mostly people need to understand how out of control your workday really is.  You have to define these areas where you need to make changes in order to increase your productivity.

What’s Stopping You?

•  Not deciding what deserves your time
• Not letting go of unnecessary control
• Not being assertive about your time
• Being a perfectionist.

Before you can retire from this club, you have to first  evaluate what things you may be doing that are preventing you from getting
control over your life.

1. Not deciding what deserves your time:  If you feel you consistently operate on the “squeeze it in” principle, you are not making choices about how to use your time.  It is absolutely necessary to take time to consider what your priorities are and operate from that perspective.  Once you do this, you may be surprised to find out how many low priority time wasters you actually engage in.
2. Not letting go of unnecessary control:  Are you able to delegate responsibilities or have you convinced yourself that you can do tasks easier and better? Many times we allow our inability to relinquish control to bog us down.  It is important to know when we can delegate tasks and how to do delegation effectively.  This will free us up for tasks that are higher on our priority list.
3. Not being assertive about your time: How easily is your time invaded? Are you able to work on what you think deserves your time, or do you respond to whomever needs you? Being able to say “no” allows you to put your time and energy into the priorities you have chosen for yourself.
4. Being a perfectionist: This can be the most common source of time misuse and the most frequent reason for procrastination.  It is based on false assumptions about how things should be done.  People who expect perfection from themselves will spend inordinate amounts of
   time completing a task or avoid starting a task because they fear they
   will “fail” at being perfect.

June Recommended Reading

“Rule #1: Stop Talking!: A Guide to Listening” ~ Linda Eve Diamond

“Active Listening: Improve Your Ability to Listen and Lead” ~ Center for Creative Leadership

“Are you Really Listening?: Keys to Successful Communication ” ~ Paul J Donoghue and Mary E. Siegel